arisuvixen

but i don't know if anyone would still read this, I need to seek help. more then just I can cope with this on my own. this depression is far worse now then it ever has been.

This means I will be going to our mental health office, and scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist, it has reached that point.

To much shit has happened in my lifetime, and something's gotta change.

The n ext update will be after I've gone and visited the actual doctor, untill then I will be staying away from the computer as much as possible.

i just don't know anymore.

simply put, we laid her to rest yesterday, gathered who we could of the family, waited out the rain while waiting for one of my sisters, had a prayer, and laid the urn in the ground, bring to a close the life of johanna carol green.

god i am such an emotion mess right now, but work calls, so soon i've got to get ready, and i'll be biking down to our store. afterall i fell that i'm one of the people who keeps the store running somewhat well. with as hard as i work.

payday might be today so i think i'm going out to get something to eat afer work, but the probelm is ever sense this has happened i've eaten like a pig... finding comfort from food. which isn't a good thing for my health, i'm sure i'll be gaining weight again because of this whole ordeal.

*sighs*

But yesterday I found myself in a car with my brother, traveling over 400 miles south from where I live.

Our final destination Kanab Utah, leaving from my house ln Ogden.

More details will come after I've returned as to why I've only had maybe 3 hours of sleep and am exteremly out of my comfort zone.


First, I get the call from my brother ervan, right after I had just gotten ready to work.

"bad news, mom had just passed."

I was shocked, so my thoughts are racing, what will I do, should I work or
go with.

Reaching out to my manager, telling him it's an emergency, and what had happened.
he excuses me for as long as I need.

so I pack up as he had said for a few days, meet with him, and we first make a stop in town, while his GF dawn is driving.
stoped for gas, and headed south.

hours later we arive in richfield on a favor for our stepdad, and have a rest stop, and make our
way on to kanab. all the mean time, we pass some beautiful scenery, all
of which I couldn't enjoy under the circumstances.

We did get lost, through a national forrest, but eventually find our way back on the correct road
ariving at our destination. kanab city, holiday inn express.

So we then meet up with other family members, oland, charles, and terry our stepdad.

there we get checked into our room on the third floor.

after dropping off our things, ervan and dawn, follow behind while i'm there in the car with my brother
oland and his wife erika, to ride to the funeral home, there we are greeted by the caregiver,
and showed into the chappel room where she was on display.

I walk twards her, and so do dawn and ervan so they see her first, then I get my oppertunity to
see what happened. When I see her, at first, I didn't recognize her, her head was bandaged
to cover up. (gore warning) where her scalp had been taken off.

Once I finally feel that i've had my time to make peace, i walk out of the room, and sit outside the door.
thinking, " she's gone, and there nothing we could do."although, standing next to me, was ervan and dawn
holding eachother while she was in tears.

once everyone had left the room, the caretaker was explaining what had happened to her, though of that
conversation, I was currious, but Didn't want to know. but basically he told the story of
how she likely had a stroke, which she couldn't keep control of her vehicle, then it veered off the
road, and had spun 5 times. EMT pronounced her dead on the scene is what he also said.

short time passes while a few of the others go to examine the car she was driving once again, but I
needed to go back to the hotel asap. so back int ot he ar with oland and erkia, I head immediatly for
our room. and lie on my bed, hoping to get some rest.

somewhere along the lines, I don't remember exactly where, We had a conferance with the rest of
the family back home todiscuss options for money. seeing as how only one of us had 600 to spare, but
both options that we had planned would have been 1800 or 2,000 plus so for the day, everyone is stressing
over finances... but remembering that my manager had said he would be willing to help us, I try calling him.
though the connetion was poor, and call dropped. It ended up being a full length, 4 hour long conversation
back and forth between us using txt messages lasting into the night, as I lie back on my bed, trying to rest.

But with the weight of the event happening, I can not sleep at all, I tried, and tried. but each time was a
failure. but finally at about 1145, my body given in and falls to rest.

Howver at about 4:45, it wakes me back up, neding to use the restroom. and this time. I knew i wasn't going
to be able to get back to rest. SO I decide to take the elevator downstairs to the breakfast lobby, and make
a cup of tea, hoping ti would calm my nerves. Which it did. Once I finish with this one, I brew another glass
and sits around waitin gout the clock,

For what? 6:00 am, complimentary breakfast was being served, and I knew this, so, I took a large plate of food,
cereal, yougurt, muffins and what ever else I forget. and ate.

When I finish though, my decision was to head back up to our room to try to rest again, being better fed. but that
doesn't really happen as my brother ervan, who I was rooming with had just woken up at that time, and was headed
down to that lobby area for his own eats.

Eventually I follow him and find that terry, oland charles and rvan were at one table, talking things over. so I
gra another 2 yougurts and sit with them.

An unkown ammount of time had passed, and they had finished eating, so terry, (being her husband, but (time for another story)
I don't concider him to be my dad at all) Was following through with our origional plans and making as many phone
calls as he could seeing about getting money to pay for her expences.

In the mean time as well, I continue txt message my boss like mad about what's happening and see how he could help us out
financially, He tells me that He coudl offer a few hundred, along with a few aditional that I might be able to work off.
At this point, I was willing to add 300 to anything he could contribute to get the expence paid. but little did I know it
wouldn't be needed.

Int he mean time i'm in and out of the hotell room, for lack of anything to do. but while I was sitting down on the bed once,
ervan returns to the room with good news.

"we've found out that the insurance on the car, Is almost enough to pay for her procedure", wether that be with the 500 Oland had
already put down, or just entirely I don't know. "but it's jsut shy 75 dollars". which is good news to hear, because 75 is alot
easier to come up with the 1800.

and so with this in mind, I know everyone is relieved, I'm sure, and everyone packs their things to head back home. So my return
trip is with my brother charles, not ervan.

The cremation procedure is 3 days after these events, and once finished, we'll transport her remains back to norther Utah for funeral
and buarial. A plot was donated to us by an ex inlaw from our sister Kathleen so the last thing we have to worry about is the marker.
headstone if you will, for her buarial site.

strange how things work out... and how much emotional turbulance one can endure.

the only thing I feel sad over, is not being able to hear her voice ever again.

Simply put, The American Red Cross. nuff said.

they helped me and my family out through 2 house fires. (one of which wasn't really my boilogical family, but they concidered me apart.)